How to look busy when there is no work!

Have you ever sat in your office cubicle wondering what to do next? You've done the work you were supposed to do for the day and it is stil 3:00 pm, 3 hours before you can head home. Of course, you can go out for a smoke, or a bite or even make up a fake client call and head home. But how many fake client calls can you make and for how much time can you extend your snack break? Ultimately, there will be a time when you have to sit at your desk and if your seniors are around, appear like you are doing work! It doesn't matter if the senior also has no work, he will still expect you to be busy with something.

I have some suggestions on how to look busy. Mind you, this is not a humourous piece where I make up these suggestions by imagining them. This is what people in real life do. I have worked in 5 different organizations and the following tips are things that I have actually seen people do.

Tip 1: Refresh. (This is one of my favourites. I've actually seen one of my ex-bosses do this in front of his boss)
Procedure:
-Sit in front of your PC.
-Right click on your desktop.
-Select the 'Refresh' option.
-Repeat.
Comment: It requires great tenacity to perform this monotonous task over and over again. To a casual observer, it may seem as if your PC is not working properly and you are trying your best to 'refresh' it to normalcy. My ex-boss even used to go the extra mile and shout "Mere PC mein kya problem hai yaar?" when he performed this task.

Tip 2: Stare at your PC. (My lethargic colleague who believed in working 9:00 to 2:00 used to do this).
Procedure:
-Sit in front of your PC.
-Get your head really close to the screen.
-Look angry and stare.
Caution: Remember to blink from time to time.
Comment: This is one of the simplest procedures that even I have practiced from time to time. In order to master it, you have to look really angry or involved so that your boss thinks twice before disturbing you or even standing behind you to see what is on your screen. Do come home and put eye-drops to moisten your eyes again as staring makes them dry.

Tip 3: Click randomly. (Applicable only to laptop users).
Procedure:
- Rotate your laptop to an angle where nobody can see what is on your screen.
- Click your mouse button by moving your mouse around randomly.
Comment: This is better than just staring as clicking goes the extra mile to convince people that you are doing something important. Also, since your screen is out of sight, you don't need to get your head really close to block out what is on it.

Tip 4: Surround yourself with documents.
Procedure:
- Stack your desk with files and folders of various sizes.
- Keep some of them open.
- Look flustered.
Comment: I guess people used this tactic before PCs started being regularly used in offices. I've seen this being implemented by one of our service managers who was in charge of documentation. He used to keep documents spread around on his desk and at the same time play games on his PC.

Tip 5: Rearrange your drawers.
Procedure:
- Empty your top drawer.
- Empty your middle drawer.
- Empty your bottom drawer.
- Put the contents of your top drawer in your bottom drawer.
- Put the contents of your middle drawer in your top drawer.
- Put the contents of your bottom drawer in your middle drawer.
Comment: This one I haven't seen anyone do but still listed it since I do it myself! Yes, I have patented this procedure, it is an original Salil. The added advantage is, while rearranging, you find documents that were missing since a long time.

Tip 6: Fake a headache.
Procedure:
- Look listless.
- Look more listless as time passes.
- Ask your colleagues for a Panjon tablet. Do it loudly to seek attention.
- Ask the pantry guy (loudly) for a glass of water.
- Keep your head down and sleep on your desk.
Comment: 2 of my colleagues used to do this. One of them even used to go to the extent of telling her boss how she is still in office in spite of the discomfort she feels.

Tip 7: Read research reports. (More applicable if you are in the financial services industry).
Procedure:
- Open a 153 page long pdf file explaining stuff like "The trend of forex reserves in India and its current impact on fiscal policy making".
- Do not read it if you do not want to, just make sure you keep scrolling down from time to time. 3 minutes per page is the ideal standard.
Comment: Another procedure patented by me. No boss will object to his subordinate supposedly trying to 'enhance his knowledge'.

Tip 8: Pick a fight with the back office guy.
Procedure:
- Try to remember the last thing you asked someone in the operations department to do and hasn't been done.
- Make a big issue out of it, mark a mail to him and his seniors.
- Wait for him to call you, if he doesn't, then call him up and scream at him at the top of your lungs.
Comment: Don't feel guilty about it as those lethargic, apathetic idiots in the back office do need a doze of abuse from time to time. It will make you look concerned in front of your boss. However, on the downside, even the back office guy might not have much work at a point of time and in order to look busy, might take your case.

Type 9: Play computer games that can be played with one hand.
Procedure:
Case 1: Games that are played with a mouse, eg. Minesweeper, Solitaire.
- Since your right hand will be occupied, use your left hand and place it one finger on the 'Alt' key and the other on the F4 key.
- When your senior appears in the vicinity, use both the keys together to close the game window.
Case 2: Games that are played with a keyboard, eg. stick cricket.
- Use your left hand on the keyboard and the right hand holding the mouse pointer to the 'x' button on the top right corner of the window.
- When your senior appears in the vicinity, click on that button to close the window.
Caution: Do not minimize since well-trained seniors can look at the bottom of your screen and understand what you are upto. Also, in extreme cases, switch off your monitor and make it look like there is a loose connection somewhere.
Comment: This can be frustrating as unsaved games will be lost. However, it is better than blankly staring at your screen, clicking randomly or reading a research report as you actually will not have to 'act' occupied since you will be occupied anyway and appear that way.

Type 10: Doodle.
Procedure:
- Buy a fancy diary.
- Scribble on it, doodle on it, do anything you want on it, just make it look like you are writing your appointments for the week on it.
Comment: Another tactic that may have been used during times when there was no PC. This is my personal favourite.

I guess these tips are more oriented towards sales/marketing people, but I'm sure others can also use them.

Beeps and Surrogates

Unusually comic situations arise when a compromise is reached to keep everyone happy. Taking the middle ground without having the guts to take a stand either way is very typical for democracies across the world. In the end, only egos of two opposing parties are satisfied and the problem still remains.

Take those beeps for example that you hear in reality shows today which mask what a contestant is saying when they are abusive. Even a 10 year old can read the lip movements of a contestant and make out whether they said f*** or sh** or chu****. In fact he can read the previous sentence and understand what I meant. in spite of the *'s.

However, if those words are not beeped out, then there will be self-righteous idiots who have fragile tolerance levels being up in arms against the GECs (General Entertainment Channels). Their version of Indian culture will be violated and they will argue that their kids are getting badly influenced. I wonder why their kids are being allowed to watch wannabe shows like MTV Roadies in the first place! They'll get adversely influenced anyway but let's not digress.

Also, if the lip movements are also blocked out, the shows' TRPs will suffer which these GECs will not be able to tolerate. So a compromise formula is reached which achieves nothing. It all ends up as a farce. Everybody knows what Akash 'Beep' Saigal kept saying when he used to get angry in that jungle reality show*. However, the authorities make us believe that they are stupid enough not to realize that we know what is being said because of the beeping.

A similar situation arises in surrogate advertisements. The authorities again tell us that they themselves are naive enough to believe that when we see a Bagpiper advertisement, we instantly believe that it is for Bagpiper soda and not whiskey. Kingfisher sells mineral water and Bacardi sells compilation albums of dance tracks.

Due to constant lobbying by major brewers, the alcohol advertisements, surrogate or otherwise cannot be completely banned and in order to appear responsible, the government cannot show liquor being consumed on television. Again, the compromise formula achieves nothing. I don't think Kingfisher is actually interested in selling its mineral water and it know that consumers understand that too.

I can provide examples various other compromise formulae which have achieved nothing in principle but a lot in safeguarding monetary interests on one side and massaged egos on the other side.

*-yes, yes I used to watch that show. Even I am human and fall prey to such idiocy from time to time.

44 Magnum

I may sound like an 8 year old but I like to see "good guys beat bad guys". Also, one more childish remark: in case bad guys get really bad, I like to see "good guys kill bad guys". I may also be sounding like some US Republican but it is always that simple when it comes to crime. It is always good vs bad.

However, it is not that simple nowadays. "Good vs Bad" has taken a backseat. Now it is "constitutional vs unconstitutional", "human vs inhuman", "civil vs barbaric", and because of this, there is a lot of red tape when it comes to law enforcement. The police always have their hands tied as they are accountable for their actions and have to file lengthy reports of what, how and why to describe their activities. I'm not even talking about political involvement or bribery here, that comes later. The first problem is the shoddy bureaucratic processes. It is true for almost all democracies in the world, first world or third world!

In fact, the rot seems to have started in the 1960s which prompted the successful run of the Dirty Harry movie series in the US. 'Dirty Harry' is the title given to a character called Harry Callahan who is a homicide detective in the San Francisco police department. He is shown not only to fight criminals but also put up with being accountable for his actions all the time. He is one cop who does not mind testing the limits of his jurisdiction as long as he gets the bad guy. His favourite gun is the 44 Magnum which he uses quite freely and to good effect.

As far as India is concerned, we have become too tolerant of the horrible events that keep happening. Maybe tolerant is not the right word, meek is the right word. The freshest example is that of the Naxal violence which is a major nuisance in the Eastern part of the country.

They have also continuously shown us how brutally violent they are. Still, here we are thinking about the root cause of their violence, negotiating with them for a peaceful resolution and also sympathizing with their cause. To me, people who behead a policeman in front of his family are bad guys who need to be dealt strongly with.

However, the ultra-liberals in society as well as the government step in and urge the policemen and the army to be civil with them. The politicians choose to be politically correct about their barbaric activities. Even hardline right-wingers like BJP spokepeople choose words carefully while describing these terrorists. This has led to the Naxal rot to spread far and wide. In fact, even parts of Eastern Maharashtra now can boast of a strong violent communist presence.

If we had taken a Dirty Harry approach against these psychos earlier, the rot would not have spread so far ahead from West Bengal. If the law enforcement agencies were allowed to freely use their versions of 44 Magnums, the tribal belts of Orissa, Bihar, Chattisgarh, Jharkhand and Andhra Pradesh would have seen much less brutality.

Of course, the Naxalite's supposed cause is removal of class distinctions, ending exploitation of poor people, etc. However, their methods overshadow their cause and make them look like frustrated psychos rather than intellectual idealists that they claim to be. They are bad people, period.

It is never too late. If Home Minister PC Chidambaram acts on the strong words he used against them recently, it might just exterminate these pests. It's a dirty job but it's got to be done before it spreads further! Let the 44 Magnums speak for a change.

Irritants who mean well and Egotistical well-wishers

I'm going to discuss two types of people in this post. I'm sure most of the readers have come across such types of people, some of you may even realize that you fall into one of the two categories. Sometimes, it is hard to deal with such people even though their intentions are noble. Their problem is that they simply do not realize why people do not like them!

Type 1: Irritants who mean well

Almost wherever I have studied or worked, there has always been one over-enthusiastic but kind-hearted person who I have made friends with and regretted later. Such types do not think twice before helping you out, going out of their way to make sure you are doing well, lending you stuff without you asking them, etc. They are people lovers who are pretty genuine in their social interactions. They also do not ask much in return. However, there is a catch. They are extreme bores without a trace of personality or even a sense of humour. Hanging out with them becomes a pain after some time and their habit of always 'being there' starts to nag. Their constant concerns: "how're you doing?", "how's work coming along?", etc. starts bugging you. The more you try to avoid them, the more concerned they become.

I still have no idea how to deal with them. Such types are very sensitive, so I can't be direct with them. There is also no polite way of saying "Mind your own business". Worst of all, they have been so nice to me, that I can't just delete them in my social interactions.

After reading this, I'm sure you must have realized that you too have been acquainted with such people in your lifetime. Advices on how to deal with such people are welcome!

Type 2: Egotistical well-wishers

Have you ever met a relative or a family friend who continuously doles out advice on how things should be done and expects you to nod without saying a word. Let me go a step further, doesn't such a type get offended when you don't heed his/her advice even though the issue does not concern him/her at all? Worst of all, doesn't such a relative speak on your behalf to other people without seeking permission from you?

For such people, acknowledging their advice and thanking them for it is not enough. They follow up until you do exactly what they say and if you refuse, they take it as a personal offence. Asking your permission before they speak on your behalf does not cross their mind. It is their superiority complex or ego that encourages them to do things in the way they seem fit without concern for other people's personal boundaries.

The common mistake that people make when they have such family members is that they brush it off by saying "but he/she means well!".

Now I have some advice on this issue and I won't get offended if you do not heed it: Do not fall into the "but he/she means well!" trap! Confront them if they do things for you without asking or Ignore them if they browbeat their suggestions on you. This is the only way they can be trained to respect personal boundaries even though they may keep thinking "But I meant well!".